The Funny Pagan Guide
From: Sigilindia
Hey all,
I thought you might like this, It's hilarious.....the funny thing is
I know people like this! :-)
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Updated with more jokesat 18 - Feb
- 2252R.E.Thanks to Githya Kreimhild A.Steimberbkindly forward!
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1. Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's
a _Goddess_and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary
old building.
They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Mispronounces God/dess names, has to think a moment about which is
deosil and
which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
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2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.)
Will tell you about the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley
- or maybe
it was Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names.
Or was
it three people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people
you've
only read about.
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3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes.
Simultaneously
believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a
pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the
shrubbery
at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no
eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but
very
tolerant.
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4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are in Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which
direction is
east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on
sale at
Wal-Mart.
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5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three
weeks
purifying it.
She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her
full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of
menstrual blood.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a favored
symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man
approaches
she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
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6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh
-- and
you can
actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant,
drool...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to
you
under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too
few of
them.
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7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal
day..." Has
an
entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for
purifying
the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's
overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since
being canned
by
that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat.
Constantly
glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their
spies.
Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
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8. Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to
think.
Knows what
a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines
appear the
day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their jacket,
engraved
in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an emblem which
resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If you
don't
know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult
to
visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to
imagine as
a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when
sleeping.
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9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special
key
for
elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation, eavesdropping in
order
to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter
especially for
rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's
going, they
hand you a press release.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them
to you
at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by
beefy
amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of
anyone
they don't already know.
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10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would _never_ be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide,
knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy
of
conquest.
Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read _The Bell Curve_ with smug
satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but
they
want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black
eyeliner. At
least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see
several of
them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.
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11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with
several
variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or
somebody
who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens
recently, and
have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell
you all
about, in _great_ detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with
various
psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed
and
tailored on another planet.
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12. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses
to do
boring
Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of
interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast
and
deliver
long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken
Ecstasy.
Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual
drum.
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13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those
two a couple
or are
all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions
could
disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of
questions
seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever
experienced in
your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've
found a
Fairie!
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14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager,
an
orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High
Episcopagan!
They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual
garbs
than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences
to be
Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina
Burana".
Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl trim on their ritual
hat
unless you've got an hour to spare.
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15. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book,
it must
_really_
be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral
tradition
of people who couldn't read, then it must _really_ be _way_ true.
Gnashes
their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or
other
mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city, eats
meat or
has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted
Gardner's
books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old
norse/latin/babylonian.
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16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits.
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings.
Charter
member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has
many,
many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models,
pictures,
and other depictions of their spirit animal.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when
looking
at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on
tattoos,
jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of beasties.
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17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic-
imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is
actually
being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to
be
overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right.
Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for
someone
to do or say something _bad_. Has loud and attention attracting hissy
fits
when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate
franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
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18. Het-Case
Insists that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetero bones.
Distinguishing Signs
Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and
huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Also long manicured nails and wreaths of
flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead).
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19. Monster Truck Pagan
Can build own house, kill own food, school own children, and brew own hootch. Owns guns. Anointing oil is 30 weight. Scrying mirror says "objects are closer than they appear".
Distinguishing Signs
Athame is a Gerber with a compass and waterproof secret compartment. Eats
meat with visible twitches of pleasure. Ritual robes are made from cammo fabric.
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20. Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying my hand-forged Venus of Wellendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?
Distinguishing Signs
Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've never seen
so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.
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21. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three films about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes.
Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science fiction
paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ships.
Distinguishing Signs
Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic
buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.
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22. TechnoPagan
Often found discussing the best method of removing hot wax from keyboards.
Seems unaccustomed to sunlight. Have had coven-mates for years whom they have
never seen face to face, much less know which continent they live on.
Distinguishing Signs
Casts circle with #5 torx driver. Chalice contains Jolt. BoS is writtin in
Perl. Refers to eclectic ritual as "cross- platforming." Thinks
"naked in your rites" means a non-GUI environment.
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23. Norse Code
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival organizers
and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with huge battle-axes
in one hand and full mead horns in the other. They throw the best parties,
but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
Distinguishing Signs
Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with many
pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
Heill Alföþr
ok Allar Helgar Kindir
Heill Asar ok Vanir
Heill Alfar ok Landvaetter
Heill Sveinbjorñ Betteinsson and Godhi Medhal
Mikit Stór-Ljon Oddhinsson(In Memorian)
Heill öllum Asafolkar í trú ok Siðr
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